Monday, May 21, 2007


I never liked the rain until I moved into it. There were a few nights in Spokane where it was appreciated, but mostly I was just a bit miffed that it ruined whatever I was trying to do. I was really ignorant to it's blessing when I was there though. I'm sure the earth was begging for it over in that desert place, but when it came I just cursed it. I hereby repent from my once hatred of rain.

I think I didn't like it because at a very surface level, a very selfish level, how could rain ever be good? You're dry and comfortable, now you're wet and miserable. If it's cold, now you're colder. If you're trying to run and play, now you're sliding and some games (tennis comes to mind) are canceled. Frust. I hated it when tennis matches got canceled in high school.

But if you move past that selfishness it's a pretty incredible thing. The ground almost groans for the water sometimes. The sun beats down on this earth until things get dusty and everything cracks open. The rain is like when you're sitting by the pool and you stay out of the pool as long as absolutely possible, then you jump in and it feels so good. Who am I to tell the earth to stay out of the pool? Let's jump in. It's gonna feel great, once you're used to it anyway.

I was out in the rain last night, and it was brilliant. I rode my bike into downtown Bellevue after the sun went down and it was dark and rainy. Just not good biking weather. I told my room mate I was going for a ride and I got the areyoucrazy? look back. There was something so refreshing about it though. It was like a friendly reminder that It's just not going to be sunny everyday. I think that's a healthy attitude. Something that I've really lacked in my life that I'm trying to get better at. Just take those crappy days and love them. Just embrace what's going on and enjoy even the smallest piece of it. If you're lonely and out in the rain in the dark in the courtyard of a gigantic building and you're feeling tiny, you ARE tiny. Just enjoy it.

It's probably too simple to just "start enjoying" things that you really just don't enjoy, but I'm glad that the rain is something I'm learning to love.

If we never get rained on
if our muscles are never sore
if our minds aren't tired
if we could go on forever
if we need nothin' from nobody
if our hearts are never let down
then we aren't living.

We were designed to need. Need other's help, need God, need those connections. We were designed to live. I'm really good at avoiding those needs. You hear the therapists in movies talk about people "building up walls" not letting people in. I don't think the walls I build up keep people out, but I think I've built them in such a way that I control how people funnel through. They can come in when I want, and go as far as I want, and I don't let them out until I want, and then as soon as I want, they are moved out.

Sooner or later, you can't do it anymore though. I'm glad that the process can be gradual, and that we don't have to fix things instantly. Not that I'm capable of that.

I'm really happy knowing that I'm slowly growing in the right direction. I hope that I can be patient and keep that slow steady growth going. It's easy to get fed up with a lack of results.

I had the greatest feeling last night. Like I was actually starting to unplug a little bit and live my life. To go up and down and to need things I can't provide for myself.

That felt good.


Pat said...

Hi <3

Annie said...

Me, you and Jess should go running/biking in the rain in downtown Bellevue TOGETHER! Doesn't Mark live in Medina? What path do you take to get to B-Town Downtown?